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Embracing My Grief

There is a common misconception about grief…it’s that it eventually ends. My husband passed away at on January 19, 2018 unexpectedly of a sudden heart attack at the age of 51.

I have heard more times than I can count to “give it a year” and you’ll feel better or  “things will get better with time” and you can move on. Well here I am a year later on what I often refer to as my grief journey, a nice way to say I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.

I am learning to navigate my way TO and THROUGH a new normal. Every morning when I open my eyes, it’s a lesson about accepting the changes in my life.  It’s accepting the fact that I will never see my husband ever again. Nor will I ever hear his voice or hold his hand. All of the hopes and dreams that we had for our future have been altered or even set aside because he is no longer here.

Surviving Grief

Stephanie in a photo with her late husband.

Before my husband passed I had no clue about how painful this was going to be. My father passed away from a stroke when I was a teenager and I had no idea, until now, about the pain my mother was enduring. But I do not compare my mother’s loss to my own. Her love for my father was unique and something special that the two of them shared. I cannot and will not compare my parent’s love for one another to the love that I my husband and I shared. Since my mother and I loved our husband’s differently, our grief for them will be different. My parent’s hopes and dreams were their own. The life they created was of their own, as well as the memories that my mother has of their lives together. My point you ask? Just because you know someone who went through a similar loss, do not put yourself or someone else you may know on the same timeline. Especially because they may have hidden you how much pain they are actually in from you and the rest of the world.

I do not feel that my grief is not subsiding at all. There are times that I think of my husband and my breathe is honestly taken away for a moment. This happens quite a bit, just as it did 10 or 11 months ago. Sadness still comes out of nowhere and the tears flow uncontrollably. The grief is still the same, I’m just reluctantly building a life around it. Time doesn’t really heal all wounds, it just continues to carry on. And we all carry on with it, some days are better or worse than others.

Surviving Grief 3

Stephanie has begun to embrace grief.

I have already had new experiences and created new memories without even noticing. But the pain deep in my chest has always stayed the same and maybe it always will. There is no such thing as moving on from grief, it’s about moving forward with it or even in spite of it. Some bottle the emotion up inside them, I personally cannot.

I’m not afraid to speak about my husband all the time, even if it does make others uncomfortable. If others can talk about their spouses, than why can’t I? The only difference is theirs are living and mine is not. This is how I cope, I speak his name everyday without shame or embarrassment of what others will think. My love for my husband was infinite, therefore so will my grief. If this journey has taught me anything, it’s that there is no time table on how long I will feel the pain from his loss. In fact I probably always will and I have become comfortable with that.

Written by Stephanie Sprinkel

https://www.survivingthelossblog.com/

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